Awkwardness, it's a way of life

" This painting is about the totally
awkward communication (failed attempts at communication) that i had
with an artist named Laura. She lives down the street from me, and
we've known eachother for over two years, and we wave sometimes to
eachother. that's it. she'll tell me that she's having an art show,
and when i go, she won't even make eye contact. sometimes i'll
skate past her house, and deliberately not wave. there's like a giant
barrier between us. it fascinated me how well we don't relate to eachother, yet she makes some of the most interesting art i've seen,
and i find her really attractive. the twelve on the spaceship is a
guestimate at how many attempts i've made at breaking that barrier.
(this painting being # 12). it didn't work. we still don't speak.
it's cool. it's possible that somehow i offended her in a blackout a
couple of years ago? or maybe she just doesn't like me.
i've considered holding the painting up as kind of a sail as i skate
back and forth in front of her house. i've been advised just to
leave her alone. Someone almost bought this one, but flaked out."

That part is in quotes because it is an excerpt from an email I had sent close to two years ago to my friend Matt. I've been fascinated by the awkward relationships in my life for much longer than two years.

I am an awkward human in an extremely awkward period of my life. It's very rewarding to me. I was out tonight and felt like the spaceman in this painting again, detached floating about. What is new for me, is that I've been really attempting to make friends with all experience, to open myself to feeling all of it. I've been speaking my mind more lately as a result. It's a new freedom. This makes for very unusual conversation, and a raw quality to my interactions that is very educational to me. It's like pulling the rug out from myself, my usual grasping for comfort, and security in my usual tools for dealing with people. There's something about stepping out into the unknown that really thrills me. I have a sense that I like people more than I've been willing to show in the past, but I have a low tolerance for idle chat, and social lubricant. I would much rather deal with what is happening immediately when it's happening. When gathered in groups people often talk about what they are going to do in the future, or how their past week, day, or year has been, what about right now? If we are all just standing around waiting for someone to make a move for the door, why can't we just leave?
I was told that I was boring tonight, I guess I can be. I don't know how to relate to groups of people talking loudly. Never have, maybe in the future. Maybe not. So I told this person that I felt like he insulted me, and that isn't a good approach with me, that I feel like he likes to insult me, and I don't like it because it hurts my feelings. What an unusual conversation for me. Maybe it was good, like there is more space for me and this individual to talk about something more interesting than we have in the past. I hope so. I don't like to be thought of as aggressive, or unfriendly, or boring for that matter, but the truth is I can be all of those things at times. These are all real experiences, and I am glad to be aware of them. Maybe now I'll paint about these things rather than confused images about disconnection like the one above.